The foundations of good conversation are no mystery to the point they can sound like a cliché: listen, ask open questions, reflect understanding, seek to draw out the other person’s wisdom, be selective and restrained in offering your own.
We know the kind of qualities we want to embody: respect, curiosity, kindness, empathy. We know the kind of relationship we want to foster: collaborative, equal, honouring, empowering, safe.
Yet we are also all too familiar with the things we do over and over that, when we have a chance to reflect on what we’re doing, we know aren’t so helpful. We talk when we need to listen, persuade when we need to understand, jump ahead into solutions when we need to slow down, pay attention to the task or paperwork rather than the unique, complex and precious human in front of us.
Because the basics aren’t basic. Understanding something, even on a deep intuitive level, is not the same as being able to do it effectively and, just as important, consistently.
And in helping conversations the basics are not being done in simple circumstances. Walking seems straightforward until you find yourself on an icy footpath, trying roller skates for the first time, nursing a sprained ankle or on a tightrope above a ravine.
When it’s hard to maintain the basics, it can be tempting to reach for something more, something else, something technical. And sometimes that can indeed help. But sometimes what we really need to do is return to the basics, and keep returning, until we are able to spend more time there.
Much like the level of focus we need to stay present in mindfulness practice, protecting the foundations of good conversation is an active process that we can spend a lifetime refining.
Helen Mentha 