Loaded language creates loaded relationships. When we say a person is ‘in denial’ or ‘lacks insight’, we are saying their self-assessment is wrong and that we are right. When we describe a person as ‘non-compliant’ or ’treatment-resistant’, we are saying that our assessment is right, and they are wrong.

And when we say we shouldn’t collude with a client – that we shouldn’t agree with, or buy in to, a way of thinking that we believe is unhelpful – it is almost always a one-way street. Because when they believe our way of thinking is unhelpful, we’re unlikely to think “ah, right, they just don’t want to collude with me.”

Yet there’s so much that we don’t know that we don’t know. We do lack insight into other people’s lives and inner worlds. We’ve all ‘done our own research’ or disagreed with a professional’s opinion on what they think is best for us. And there’s a good chance we have all, at some stage, asked people to buy in to a way of understanding that later evolves or is shown to be downright wrong. Chances are that we’re still doing it now.

When we bring our language back to basics we can choose more factual and neutral words. Rather than ‘denial’ or ‘lacks insight’, we can say that they see it differently or have a different understanding of what is happening. We can note that someone doesn’t want a specific treatment or would prefer a different option.

Instead of ‘not colluding’ we can choose to engage without agreeing with everything each other says. This is not the same as ‘agree to disagree’, which has a sense of reluctant compromise or finality to it. It’s more of an acceptance that we have different perspectives. And that may or may not change.

Finding neutral language isn’t about avoiding discomfort or disagreement. It’s about accepting reality while taking a step back from our own interpretations. Which helps us to find the common ground that does exist and discover ways forward together.

Helping professions, like so many others, end up with their jargon and shorthand language to describe complex things. Sometimes they generate phrases for things we experience but don’t have a clear or ready language for. It saves time, reduces word count and creates a shared sense of understanding.

Until it doesn’t. Just because certain phrases are frequently used in the workplace doesn’t guarantee that they are helpful. Jargon can alienate people who feel less comfortable with these new terms and reduce curiosity in those who have become all too familiar with them. The illusion of common ground means we are less likely to stop and ask “Wait, hang on, what do you mean by that?” And precise sounding terminology can hide less than precise understanding.

One of the best ways to test how well we really understand a subject is to explain it in plain language in a way that conveys simplicity without becoming simplistic. It’s not a case of ‘dumbing down’ – quite the opposite, it’s about clarity.

We want to do the heavy lifting to make the ideas accessible, so the other person doesn’t have to waste effort trying to decipher or translate what we are saying. We want to free up their energy to focus on the content. To reflect on how what we are saying fits with what they already know or to find a place in their understanding for something new.

Helping professionals are some of the biggest hypocrites I know. And I should know, because I’m one of them. People who care for others often hold themselves to different, usually harsher, standards than we would apply to the people we support.

We tell ourselves to be tougher, stronger, more resilient while supporting others to sit with and accept their more tender needs and feelings. We downplay the stresses of the work because it’s common, not because it doesn’t have an impact. Much needed recovery and rest become luxuries, sensitivity to pain becomes an inconvenience, and someone else always has a tougher job so we just keep going.

And sometimes we swing to the opposite extreme, particularly when we feel short on time. We might find ourselves advising change we have not been able to make ourselves. Or communicating in a way that we wouldn’t want someone to use with us. Or hold managers or peers to a standard we either don’t meet or wouldn’t apply with such judgement if we accepted their normal human vulnerabilities and struggles.

When we see the same double standards in others, we might get concerned or critical, but either way we know it’s unlikely to be effective. When we see the same in ourselves, we might just double down. And yet we’re all in the same boat. We all have our insecurities and shortcomings. We all grapple with contradictions and messiness. We could all do better. We could all be kinder, both to ourselves and others. And we could all do with more sleep.