When we learn our craft we learn a lot about what to do – what to say, when to say it and, sometimes, how to say it. In terms of what not to do, we get the big ones – don’t cause harm, don’t breach trust, don’t violate the code of ethics.
There is less focus on how not to take action in the moment. How to become more comfortable with silence. How to hold back useful information at a not so useful time. How to refrain from giving opinions or advice when the other person’s ideas need to be brought forth. How to just sit, hold the space and allow what is happening right now to be felt and experienced.
Far from passive or indifferent, non action is a state of active awareness. An intentional redirection of energy from doing to being. Anyone who knows me will know this one is dear to my heart because I’m really not very good at it. I’ve had to work for it. I’m still working on it. I’ve got a mind like a box of bees and there’s always something I’m wanting to say.
Just as we build a repertoire of useful questions or strategies, we can build our capacity to hold our urges. Like strengthening a muscle at the gym, there is no wrong place to be when we start and each repetition helps.
We can ground ourselves with why it matters so much – holding space invites something to meaningful to emerge, rather than try to make something less substantial happen. We can build stamina – five seconds may become thirty, one minute may become five. And we can give our full attention to what the other person is saying and try to understand more deeply what has already been said.
And we can be gentle with ourselves when, once again, we lose our focus. The autopilot kicked in. The urge offer thoughts got too strong. Or we just reacted and joined a conversation as our less filtered selves. Perhaps we are able to reset in the moment. Sometimes we need to give ourselves space to refresh and return another time.
Helen Mentha 