There are certain phrases that are not complete until they are backed up with action. “I’m sorry.” “I’m here for you.” “It won’t happen again.” We can show goodwill with the words, but we need to follow through if they are to have any meaning.
Then there are phrases that need action rather than words. That even saying them can act as a step backward rather than forward. Two examples are “I understand” and “You can trust me”.
On the surface, “I understand” is reassuring. It suggests a resonance, that what the other person is saying is familiar, normal, relatable. But it is an empty gesture that costs the speaker nothing. Worse, it can imply a potential to be over-confident and make assumptions.
The only person who can judge whether we have understood is the person we are talking to. So we need to demonstrate our understanding with accurate reflections, responsive questions and attuned actions. Because understanding isn’t done until the other person feels understood.
“You can trust me” also sounds reassuring, suggesting an awareness the other person might have doubts and a desire to put those doubts at ease. The problem is that trust is earned, not given, and this puts all the risk and hard work on to the other person. We need to prove that we are worthy of trust by making sure our words match our intentions, our actions match our words, and all three are consistent over time.
If we’re not sure whether a phrase is helpful, we can ask if we are taking the easy option and leaving the other person to take the leap of faith. We can ask if it’s something we need to demonstrate rather than say. And we can reflect on how we feel when someone we don’t know yet says it to us.
Helen Mentha 