We have all benefited from someone holding us to account. Perhaps it was feedback on how our behaviour was unhelpful or hurtful. Maybe they highlighted how we were falling short of our own standards. Or pushed us out of our comfort zone into attempting something we doubted we could do. While it might not have been pleasant at the time, it was valuable and offered something we would have struggled to identify or initiate alone.
Equally we have all been challenged badly. Maybe the wording was insensitive, overly personal or designed to wound. Or was so vague we weren’t clear what exactly was being said. Maybe it came in an environment of inconsistency or lack of safety, leaving us unsure where we stand or how to proceed. If it led to a positive outcome, it was pretty much left to chance.
If we want to get better at giving potentially difficult feedback well, we can start by seeking opportunities to practice receiving it. We notice what makes us constrict or withdraw, and what opens us up to new possibilities. While we want to be mindful that we will have personal preferences, there’s no teacher quite like experience.
Consistently receiving feedback with grace also demonstrates that our priority is growth rather than criticism. We need to be a trusted observer if we want our observations to be trusted. And where possible, we want to bypass the need for feedback altogether and support people to form their own realisations first. Equally, we also don’t want to wait so long that the person needlessly flounders or burns more bridges.
If we still think we have something helpful to offer, we can seek permission to share our perspective. And when we do, it’s more likely to be considered when we are thoughtful, honour the positives and find common ground. We want to be specific but not so detailed it’s overwhelming. Curiosity about the other person’s perspective can turn feedback into an offering. And genuine respect for the other person can transform it into a gift.
Helen Mentha 