We’ve probably all guilty at some stage of trying to soften a difficult message only to water it down into something more confusing. ’It’s not you it’s me’ is now a cliché because it’s been used so often. But we’re not immune from doing this in helping conversations either.
Normally I’d love to help.
Now’s not a great time.
It’s not my decision, it’s the organisational policy.
If you don’t have any luck with those referrals we can see what else is possible.
When we think we’re being nice, we’re making it harder for the person to know where they stand, what’s on offer and what isn’t. Which makes it harder for them to make an informed decision about how to respond. And in the uncertainty lies fertile ground for false hope or energy that would be better directed elsewhere.
You want to help, I just need to persuade you that I’m not asking for much.
If I wait, you’ll become available.
You don’t agree with the policy, maybe I can change your mind.
You’re still an option.
Because softening the message isn’t really about them. It’s about not wanting to be the bad guy or blamed for the bad news. In a way, we’re also handing over our own loose ends. And sometimes we’re just delaying the no or the boundary until later, when the hurt will be greater.
The most respectful thing we can do is be clear. Which means taking the time to work out the simplest, least ambiguous version of what needs to be said, where the boundaries lie and what is possible. And then we can look for the most compassionate way to say that. Not to dilute the message, but to deliver it with love.
Helen Mentha 