Many of us will be familiar with the phrase ‘the elephant in the room’ – the obvious problem or issue we know is there but aren’t willing to acknowledge, let alone discuss.
To discuss the elephant enters uncharted territory. There may be a risk of vulnerability, loss of control or retaliation. But avoiding the elephant risks superficial conversations that go nowhere, go in the wrong direction or make things worse. And the longer we ignore the elephant, the bigger he tends to get.
I feel for the elephant. We’ve all been in group conversations where we’ve felt ignored or someone makes eye contact with others but not us. We’ve all made contributions only to have them overlooked or forgotten. We’ve expended precious time and energy on things only to feel like it was for nothing.
So how can we normalise our elephants so they don’t cause such shock or surprise when they turn up? How can we make room for them so they don’t create so much havoc as they squeeze in beside the crystal cabinet because we’ve given them nowhere else to sit? And how can we talk about them with kindness so they don’t feel the need to defend themselves or fight back?
The problem isn’t so much the elephant, it’s the challenge of finding words for the unspoken. It’s sitting with discomfort and uncertainty. It’s staying curious and open to feedback. Because sometimes the real elephant in the room is us.
Helen Mentha 