I’ve now asked thousands of people in workshops and conferences to imagine seeking help for a significant problem that they would rather not talk to anyone about but have been unable to resolve it by themselves. What kind of helper would you want to go see? What qualities would they have? How would you want to feel talking with this person? And in over fifteen years of asking this question, I have never once heard:
“I’d want to see someone who follows a manual”.
“I’d want someone who expects me to set goals in the first appointment.”
“I’d want to see a helper who’s so overworked they’re burning out”.
“I’d want them to assume they know more than me.”
“I’d want someone who gives up on me when I feel stuck and tells me to return when I’m ready.”
“I’d want them to be dismissive when they find out I’ve been doing my own research on the issue.”
“I’d want to see three different people for intake, assessment and treatment.”
“I’d want someone who spends the time filling in forms.”
I could continue but we already know what people want – it’s pretty much what we want. We want to see someone who wants to see us, is present and gives us their full attention. We want to be seen, heard and understood. We want to be accepted and taken seriously by someone who is non judgemental and treats us as an equal. We want someone who is skilled and has something to offer, but is also curious about what we have to offer. We want someone who is genuine and caring, with healthy boundaries and is responsive to our individual differences.
It can sound like we want a miracle, a zen-like mystical creature who is all knowing and can read our minds. But maybe what we really want is a conversation with another human who is well-rested, well-supported and well-trained, and knows we matter, they matter and the work matters. Because we can work it out together from there.
Helen Mentha 