Conversations about change take many unexpected turns, including what seem like dead ends or uncertainty about where to go next. The ability to be present, hold the space and truly partner with the other person as a co-pilot supports us to navigate these moments.
It also helps to know our back-up dancers – solid, generalisable, open questions that can be dropped into a wide range of conversations, without feeling forced or derailing the other person’s train of thought. They’re also a good alternative when we are burning to dive into advice or problem-solving.
Go to questions can help us structure common situations. For example, when we first meet someone, we can ask “What’s your understanding of what’s happening?” or “How do you feel about coming in here?”
Stepping stone questions allow us to follow a thread. For example, if the person gives us a reason for change, we can ask “And why does that matter to you?” And keep going. So exercise might be about having more energy, more energy might be about being there for family, and being there for family might be about connection. Now exercise is not simply sensible, it’s about love.
Check in questions do a broad sweep to locate where we are and recalibrate as needed. For example, if we’re wondering if it’s time to move on, we can ask “What have we missed?” or “What haven’t I asked that might also be important here?”
One of my favourite back-up dancers is the hypothetical question. It’s a lovely way to open up possibility without pressure. For example, “Let’s say it’s a year’s time and you’ve made this change. What might feel good about that?” Or “What’s most likely to have made you decide to make the change?” Or “How are you most likely to have been successful?”
Different roles and different conversations will suit different back-up dancers. But if you know who’s waiting in the wings, it’s easier to invite them into the arena when they would be most helpful.
Helen Mentha 